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A Day at the Beach

2 Aug

I have had an on again, off again love-hate relationship with the beach my whole life.

During my earliest childhood years, I lived with my mother in California and we were constantly at the beach (totally free and very clean back in those days).  My mother made headline news when she (7-8 months pregnant with my sister) and another woman pulled a shark that got into the shallows on to dry sand.  His jaws are still hanging on a wall in the local Naval museum (don’t ask which base, they’re all a blur).

We camped on the beach and stole creatures out of tidal pools to dry on the roof and become home decor.  There were dune buggies and bonfires every night, and deep holes dug into the sand in the shape of hearts behind the dune furthest from the beach that were filled in each morning and dug afresh (and if you can’t guess how they were used, your childhood was severely lacking in social beach etiquette).

I loved the beach, but was wary of the tidal current, which we called the rip tide and which I imagined was a giant frog (rip-it!) that grabbed your legs and pulled you under water (bless that six-year-old imagination).

I spent two different years of my later childhood living in Florida with my father and step-mother.  We lived on a canal (where I was certain the Creature from the Black Lagoon lived and was creeping across the backyard to my window at night when the dolphins came into the canals to splash and play) and, like every other family, we had a speed boat.  I don’t remember going to the beach to just fry in the sun or frolic in the waves, but I do remember trying to learn to water ski on inland lakes, ocean fishing (puffer fish are really cool!) and clamming along the coast.

As a young adult, I once spent every weekend of an entire summer at Second Beach in Newport, Rhode Island.  At the end of the summer I had turned from lily-white to a nice shade of ivory.  I far more enjoyed the little beach on the Newport bay that had a beautiful lawn, a meager six-foot stretch of sand, and water filled with phytoplankton that we would stir up into a phosphorescent light show at night while skinny dipping.  Star-lit and moon-lit walks in the dark along the edge of the surf was my prime beach time.

I have now lived in Florida as a mature adult for 21 years.  During that time I have been to the beach twice, once in Ft. Lauderdale where I lounged on a sea-side chaise under a huge umbrella and was brought drinks and food by cute cabana boys (I braved the sun once to dip myself in the water and hastily retreated) and once on a fishing trip with my best girl friends, including one baby.  Understand this:  We did not fish with hooks.  We didn’t actually want to catch (and thereby handle) any fish.  We loved casting and reeling, and of course we had to drink beer!  And we moved our fishing activities to inland lakes and rivers after Kelly ate a substantial amount of (hopefully) helpful pro-biotic sand and I had diaper duty.

So yesterday I went to the beach with my best friend ever.  Alice and I have the same complaints about the beach, such as burning to a crisp after 5 minutes in the sun wearing the heaviest sunscreen available is not fun, having sand go places it shouldn’t outa (and having more of those places as we age!) is not gonna happen, and after going into the clear blue waters of the Caribbean, neither of us is willing to put one toe in the scummy, brownish water of our Central Florida waterfronts where you can’t see Jaws until it’s too late.

Here is our idea of the perfect day at the beach.

  • Turn on Garmin and have him take us to New Smyrna.
  • Follow a sandy track to the tiny parking lot of our favorite seaside dive bar (and no, I’m not saying where because everyone would start going there and we want it all to ourselves!).
  • Sit at the outside bar, which is tucked under enough roof that the sun can’t get to you until late afternoon.
  • Order refreshing alcoholic beverages.
  • People-watch with a horrified obsession.
  • Look at the ocean.
  • Look at the sand.
  • Enjoy the cool ocean breeze.
  • Order some lunch.
  • Order more refreshing alcoholic beverages.
  • Flirt with old men who chat us up and want to pinch our asses (Alice declines gracefully saying they should probably start with a pat on the fanny).
  • Crack jokes with the bartenders.
  • Crack jokes with each other.
  • Order more refreshing alcoholic beverages.
  • Relax and let the alcohol burn off.
  • Get a cup of ice water and tell Garmin to take us back home.
  • Take a nice long soak in my roman tub (alone, dirty minds!) with wonderful smelling bath products and a refreshing alcoholic beverage.
  • Have a nice bit of nap (don’t get your hopes up:  alone again).

Paradise perfected!

newsmyrna

The Absurdities of Life

27 Apr

My friend, Susan, sent me this email today:

Food for thought:

  • Only in America…do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
  • Only in America…do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
  • Only in America…do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
  • Only in America…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
  • Only in America…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
  • Only in America…do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Do you ever wonder:

  • Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
  • Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouths closed?
  • Why you never see the headline, “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
  • Why “abbreviated” is such a long word?
  • Why doctors call what they do “practice”?
  • Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
  • Why the man who invests all your money is called a “broker”?
  • Why the time of day with the slowest traffic is called “rush hour”?
  • Why there is no mouse-flavored cat food?
  • Why Noah didn’t swat those two mosquitoes?
  • Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
  • Why they don’t make the whole airplane out of the same stuff used to make those indestructible black boxes?
  • Why sheep don’t shrink when it rains?
  • Why they are called “apartments” when they are all stuck together?
  • If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
  • If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the “terminal”?

Made me chuckle; thanks, Sue!

Good Clean Dirty Fighting

23 Dec

Definitely my idea of how one should conduct a snowball fight!

Thanks, Lil Kit — LMAO!

This is How Tired I Am

18 Sep

Any one of these sleeping positions would be perfectly comfortable and I’d gladly trade places, if it meant I could get some sleep!

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Many thanks to my sis, Lil Kit, for sending this to me by email–mwah!

How My Day Went

18 Sep

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So, how’d your day go?

Thanks to Sharon for sending this to me via email!  Mwah!

We Owe Everything to Mom

18 May

Mothers give us many things; a safe and loving home, a kiss on a scraped knee, a hug when we’re feeling blue.  They also give us a solid education to rival that of any accredited University.

They are the first ones who:

  • Teach us TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
    “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
  • Teach us RELIGION.
    “You better pray this will come out of the carpet.”
  • Teach us about TIME TRAVEL.
    “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
  • Teach us LOGIC.
    “Because I said so, that’s why.”
  • Teach us MORE LOGIC.
    “If you fall out of that tree and break your neck, you’re not going to the movies with us tonight.”
  • Teach us FORESIGHT.
    “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
  • Teach us IRONY.
    “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
  • Teach us about the science of OSMOSIS.
    “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
  • Teach us about CONTORTIONISM .
    “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
  • Teach us about STAMINA.
    “You’ll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.”
  • Teach us about WEATHER.
    “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
  • Teach us about HYPOCRISY.
    “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
  • Teach us about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
    “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
  • Teach us about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
    “Stop acting like your father!”
  • Teach us about ENVY.
    “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
  • Teach us about ANTICIPATION.
    “Just wait until your father gets home.”
  • Teach us about RECEIVING.
    “You are going to get it when your father gets home!”
  • Teach us MEDICAL SCIENCE.
    “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
  • Teach us ESP.
    “Put on your sweater; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
  • Teach us HUMOUR.
    “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
  • Teach us HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
    “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
  • Teach us GENETICS.
    “You’re just like your father.”
  • Teach us about our ROOTS.
    “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
  • Teach us WISDOM.
    “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
  • And teach us about JUSTICE.
    “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.”

Thanks to Gary for emailing this to me.  Mwah!

New Easter ID Theft Scam Revealed

3 Apr
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