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Thinking of Iowa

22 Aug

For my faithful Scarecrow Knight

Quote of the Day:

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

W. Clement Stone

From your Faerie Queene

Help!! I’ve Fallen

17 Aug

Fortunately, I was able to get up, but I have to say, it was a close call.

I’ve been stumbling over my own feet for some time now, what with the ocean-in-my-ears equilibrium problem and all, but I had yet to actually land myself completely on the floor until today.  It was not graceful.

In fact, it was a battle to the end.  I must have twisted six different ways on my way down, trying to take everything on the night stand with me, which just gave me more stuff to land and die on.

I sprained my right wrist pretty powerfully, so I gave myself an infusion and packed it in ice.  I’m sending up prayers to the Divines Ones every five minutes that it doesn’t swell.  If it does, it won’t stop at the wrist and if it stops at the shoulder, I’ll be thankful.

I don’t even want to look at the huge welt I can feel on my right cheek, and said cheek is not on my face.

I bonked the back of my head, too, but since it was the last to meet the tiles, my momentum had slowed somewhat and it suffered the least damage.  Of course, it’s already so damaged, how would I know the difference, eh?

I hate to think it might be time to get one of those panic buttons to wear around my neck like a belled cat.

Aging is not for the faint of heart or weak!

The Absurdities of Life

27 Apr

My friend, Susan, sent me this email today:

Food for thought:

  • Only in America…do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
  • Only in America…do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
  • Only in America…do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
  • Only in America…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
  • Only in America…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
  • Only in America…do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Do you ever wonder:

  • Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
  • Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouths closed?
  • Why you never see the headline, “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
  • Why “abbreviated” is such a long word?
  • Why doctors call what they do “practice”?
  • Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
  • Why the man who invests all your money is called a “broker”?
  • Why the time of day with the slowest traffic is called “rush hour”?
  • Why there is no mouse-flavored cat food?
  • Why Noah didn’t swat those two mosquitoes?
  • Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
  • Why they don’t make the whole airplane out of the same stuff used to make those indestructible black boxes?
  • Why sheep don’t shrink when it rains?
  • Why they are called “apartments” when they are all stuck together?
  • If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
  • If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the “terminal”?

Made me chuckle; thanks, Sue!

The Price of Gas – A New Point of View

6 Apr

My sister sent this to me via email.  I’m giving it to you, dear Internet, ‘cuz I know how unhappy we all are about the rising cost of gasoline.  This will give us all a new perspective:

Think a gallon of gas is expensive?

This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Lipton Ice Tea:  16 oz @ $1.19 → $9.52 per gallon

Ocean Spray: 16 oz @ $1.25 → $10.00 per gallon

Gatorade:  20 oz @ $1.59 → $10.17 per gallon

Diet Snapple: 16 oz @ $1.29 → $10.32 per gallon

Whiteout: 7 oz @ $1.39 → $25.42 per gallon

Brake Fluid:  12 oz@ $3.15 → $33.60 per gallon

Scope: 1.5 oz @ $0.99 → $84.48 per gallon

Pepto Bismol: 4 oz @ $3.85 → $123.20 per gallon

Vick’s Nyquil:  6 oz @ $8.35 → $178.13 per gallon

And this is a REAL KICKER…

Evian Water:  9 oz @ $1.49→$21.19 per gallon!

$21.19 per gallon for WATER and buyers don’t even know where it comes from (ever noticed that Evian spelled backwards is Naive?)

Have you ever wondered why printers are so cheap?  Because they have you hooked for the ink.  Someone calculated the cost of the ink at (you won’t believe it, but it is true):

$5,200 per gallon!!

So, the next time you’re at the pump, be glad your car doesn’t run on water, Scope, Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or God forbid, Printer Ink!

Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump.

See, Internet readers, I’m always trying to make your life happier.  Mwah!

And thanks, Lil Kit!

The List

13 Oct

My friend, Monica (one of the best true-story storytellers I’ve ever met), who forwarded this to me via email did not write this….but could have:

  1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
  2. Very little sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
  3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
  4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
  5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
  6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
  7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
  8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
  9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
  10. Bad decisions make good stories.
  11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
  12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection….again.
  13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
  14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
  15. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
  16. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
  17. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
  18. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.  Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
  19. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
  20. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
  21. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.  That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. After thinking about it, maybe that’s what they were doing…

Ladies…..quit laughing!

Thanks, Monica! You know just how to crack me up.

A Wicked Good Laugh

13 Jun

Gary sent this to me via email and I just had to share it with you, Internet.

The following photographs show a “church sign debate” that played out in a Southern US town between Our Lady of Martyrs Catholic Church and Cumberland Presbyterian, a fundamentalist church, a few blocks apart.   From top to bottom shows the response and counter-response over time.

The Catholics actually seem to have a pretty good sense of humor; the Presbyterians, not so much.

Thanks, Gary, for sending me this wicked good laugh!

We Owe Everything to Mom

18 May

Mothers give us many things; a safe and loving home, a kiss on a scraped knee, a hug when we’re feeling blue.  They also give us a solid education to rival that of any accredited University.

They are the first ones who:

    “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
  • Teach us RELIGION.
    “You better pray this will come out of the carpet.”
  • Teach us about TIME TRAVEL.
    “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
  • Teach us LOGIC.
    “Because I said so, that’s why.”
  • Teach us MORE LOGIC.
    “If you fall out of that tree and break your neck, you’re not going to the movies with us tonight.”
  • Teach us FORESIGHT.
    “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
  • Teach us IRONY.
    “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
  • Teach us about the science of OSMOSIS.
    “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
  • Teach us about CONTORTIONISM .
    “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
  • Teach us about STAMINA.
    “You’ll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.”
  • Teach us about WEATHER.
    “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
  • Teach us about HYPOCRISY.
    “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
  • Teach us about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
    “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
    “Stop acting like your father!”
  • Teach us about ENVY.
    “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
  • Teach us about ANTICIPATION.
    “Just wait until your father gets home.”
  • Teach us about RECEIVING.
    “You are going to get it when your father gets home!”
    “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
  • Teach us ESP.
    “Put on your sweater; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
  • Teach us HUMOUR.
    “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
    “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
  • Teach us GENETICS.
    “You’re just like your father.”
  • Teach us about our ROOTS.
    “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
  • Teach us WISDOM.
    “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
  • And teach us about JUSTICE.
    “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.”

Thanks to Gary for emailing this to me.  Mwah!

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