I Am Out of Sorts

2 May

I get this way sometimes.  Lack of enthusiasm, lack of appetite, lack of insight.  It’s not depression, because I already suffer from chronic depression.  It’s like I’m floating down the river of life, encountering all the flotsam and debris, appreciating the lovely riverbanks and the far mountains, enjoying the calm waters and the wild rapids, and talking to the other travelers who are floating on the same river.  Then…whoops!  I’m caught in an eddy, a whirlpool, a vortex of water where I sit and spin for days on end until it decides to spit me out.

And while I sit and spin, I think about all the things I could be doing:  the hundreds of books I have but don’t feel like reading, the hundreds of jewelry projects I have lined up but don’t feel like making, the tons of supplies I need to sort and put away but don’t feel like touching, the food in the refrigerator that is turning into Iowakian dwarf toes and Martian tidbits that I don’t feel like eating, the hundreds of movies in my Netflix queue that I can’t bear to watch, the clothes that need washing, the floor that needs vacuuming, the driveway that needs pressure-cleaning, the fence that is falling down, the hole something is chewing in the fascia at the highest pinnacle of the roof in the back of the house, the grass that is dying in the front yard, the weeds and small trees that are growing in the gutters, the water damage on the ceiling that needs to be fixed from the roof leak last year, and the second layer of my sunburn is now peeling.

What really has me in a slump, I think, is the horribly slow sales in my on-line boutique.  With only 3 sales each in December, January and February, and then only one sale each in March and April, all the effort I’m putting into my creations feels meaningless and useless.  The ideas and the desire to create keep coming, and I’ve already spent the money for most of the supplies needed to turn them into reality, but are my skills not up to the challenge?  There are still things I need to learn and things I need to do better, but there are times when I am sorely tempted to just sell the supplies and quit.  My house would be a hell of a lot cleaner if I did.

I know I’m in the grips of Charybdis when giving myself my Cinryze infusion feels like a chore and I can’t muster up that “can’t wait another second” happiness my dogs and the dogs on the commercials for Begging Strips have:  “Bacon!  Bacon!  Where’s the bacon?  I smell bacon!  Bacon!  Bacon!  Gotta be bacon, only one thing smells like bacon, and that’s bacon!  Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, there’s bacon, there, in that bag, whatzit say?  Oh, I can’t read!  Please, please, gimme what’s in the bag!  Chewy, yummy, smokey BACON!  It’s BACON!”

Cinryze is my bacon and Charybdis has eaten it all.  Ppllttthhh!

6 Responses to “I Am Out of Sorts”

  1. gt281 May 3, 2011 at 1:24 PM #

    Sorts are on sale at K-Mart—a dozen for $3.99…

    • Faerie♥Kat May 6, 2011 at 2:32 PM #

      I’d better run down there and buy them ALL!

  2. tanglefrost May 4, 2011 at 6:15 PM #

    Huge sparkling hugs, my dear Faerie friend! I agree the current economic times are proving slow and tiring and discouraging, especially when we pour so much love and magic into all our creations. Your work is enchanting… it would be a sad world if you were to pack up and stop! You have been given such a creative and inspiring spirit which cries out to be shared and loved. Use this time, as I am, to replenish and feed your soul…. see it as a luxurious opportunity and one we so rarely have when life gets busy and fraught. Even faeries need to rest and recharge their twinkle from time to time!!!
    Ok, so the lawns may not get mown, and the carpet hoovered, the drainpipes cleaned… but you will have strong wings to fly high and soar on great sparkling creative adventures!!
    xxxxx

    • Faerie♥Kat May 6, 2011 at 2:30 PM #

      Oh, dear Jo! What a wonderful and lovely faerie blessing you have woven with your words. For the past 3 days I have been doing exactly as you said, taking time to replenish and feed my soul. I have been feeling very unappreciated, a new feeling for me, and while I haven’t totally chased that awful specter away, my twinkle is on the mend. Your comment has lent me that extra bit of confidence I need to see my way through! So bless you, my dear faerie friend, for your wisdom and your empathy; your timing was perfect and my heart is over-flowing. Mwah!

  3. Marvin the Martian May 8, 2011 at 11:34 PM #

    I think no one has any money any more to buy your lovely creations. But it won’t always be that way! And your creations will keep. Imagine if you were a baker! You couldn’t put your wares away for another day, because they’d spoil. Your jewelry will keep until the economy gets better. Meanwhile, get some sun!!! 😉

    • Faerie♥Kat May 9, 2011 at 1:01 PM #

      Well, my Fuller brush-wearing friend, you are probably right about the economy, but I prefer my skin to remain a nice pale and neutral white; having my skin turn into pixie dust after glowing like a recently boiled lobster has permanently dampened my enjoyment for “getting some sun”!

      One of the things I most enjoyed about my home (before retirement) are its cathedral ceilings and large windows through which I used to love to let the sun stream while the A/C worked like a maniac to keep the sun-heated air from cooking my friends and I alive. Since I now longer can afford to feed an A/C hog, I only allow the gentle rays of the gloaming to invade my barely below basting sanctuary.

      I’m hunkered down in solitude and am feeling better about feeling like a failure, and have even finished five new pieces. Thanks for your vote of confidence. Mwah!

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