I Want to Live Until I Die

24 Sep

Death and dying.  I faced this particular bogeyman a long time ago; my medical condition didn’t give me any choice.  Not expected to live past the age of 30, I came to philosophical grips with the grim reaper before the age of 20 about what I believe happens after death.

Today it is far less likely that my medical condition is going to cause sudden death from asphyxiation, and I have begun to think about the act of dying itself.  One the one hand, you have fear mongers spreading unsubstantiated rumors about “death panels” that are likely to result from health care reform, and on the other hand, you have people like John Kitzhaber and the story of his parents, Annabel and Albert Kitzhaber, both of whom died peacefully at home.  Not, however, with assistance from Medicare.

Now Medicare would have happily coughed up big chunks of change for his parents to spend the last months or even years of their lives being pumped full of awful chemicals and being subjected to painful and humiliating tests in a cold, sterile (well, somewhat sterile) hospital run by (somewhat competent but surely overworked) nurses and physicians intent upon sustaining and extending their lives.  So they could do what?  Lay in their uncomfortable hospital beds alone at night, or watching vapid daytime television among strangers?  What about quality of life?

How do I want to die?

I, like the Kitzhabers, want to die at home, in my own bed, with my friends, family and dogs around me.  I’m sure the (somewhat sterile) hospital isn’t going to let my dogs sleep with me in my uncomfortable hospital bed as my (undesirable and to be avoided for as long as possible at any cost) death approaches.  And I want my health insurance to pay to have someone do the things for me that I might not be able to do, and to have someone to help guide my spirit through the veil to the Summerland, if I decide I need such a guide.  It will be a hell of a lot cheaper than Medicare’s current modus operandi, to say nothing of the escape from humiliating gowns that don’t close in the back, tortures like catheterization and intubation, being endlessly wheeled from one part of the hospital to another for tests and left in the hallway like a discarded lunch tray, and suffering from the side effects of “beneficial” drugs actually designed to kill you.

I’m not afraid of death or dying.  I believe in reincarnation.  I believe I will see this world again; see everyone I know and love again.  I believe in the cycle of birth, death and rebirth.  Given the proper amount and type of drugs, the actual death of my body poses no problem; if death is sudden, I’ll have no time to suffer.  If I were Christian, Jewish or Muslim, wouldn’t I be happy and anticipating my entrance into Heaven and joining my God?

I, too, am tired of aging and death being treated like diseases.  I’ve fully embraced the Crone in my life, since I never had the chance to be a Mother and I’m just too old to be the Maiden any longer.  Age brings wisdom and repose, a delightful sense of nuttiness that erases old boundaries, new insight and better inner sight.  All in all, it ain’t too shabby!

What is so bad about dying that it must be fought to the very death?

I don’t want to spend my last days fighting to live.  I want to spend my last days living.


4 Responses to “I Want to Live Until I Die”

  1. Marvin September 25, 2009 at 11:24 AM #

    You are more alive than most people I know.

  2. M. September 27, 2009 at 1:55 PM #

    A subject I have been thinking about a lot lately approaching 40. Society tells you that from now on it is all the way downhill waiting for all sorts of illnesses and suffering. Not really something I look forward to and neither do I want to end up in a hospital with tubes coming out of my ying yang. Live life to the full and go out with a bang. Thinking about it all the time will only slow you down. It is hard to push the thought away especially with every twitch you get, but then again, is the twitch there because you keep thinking the worst?????

    While we are talking about age, crowns …, slightly off into a different direction.
    I have now gotten a book from my friend called “Auch Hexen werden 40” translated as Witches turn 40 too. It is such a refreshing outlook and breaking the shackles of society how we have to look, dress, behave from a certain age. Surgery, the most expensive creams …. Cosmetic industries relying on women’s insecurities which are dictated by the media. The book basically tells you “sack it” and start living. Your are as old as you feel. Don’t give into societies pressure. Love the book. It really puts a smile on my face and so many times where I say: bloody right!
    I had to save the jigging granny to my pc. I hope you don’t mind if you see her pop up in my blog at one point. She is awesome and knowing me (hoping) that will be me at one point. Twin Set is not really my thing :-).

    • Faerie♥Kat September 27, 2009 at 4:41 PM #

      Feel free to snag away!

      The book sounds awesome. Wonder if it was published in English? Hmmm…

  3. M. September 28, 2009 at 8:23 AM #

    Hit me under the shower last night. I wanted to write CRONE and not crowns :-). One day I will manage this language, but strange how it always hits me at a later time that I used the wrong word.

    Oh, I have got a personal trainer for the last couple of weeks for learning purposes rather then training purposes. What I am trying to get across is, is that the lady is 52 and fit as a fiddle. I did not know her age when I contacted her, but it does not make a difference to me. Something to aspire to. Last week she had to come to my house and she came in leather on her big motorbike. Oh yeah!

    Thank you very much for taking the time and help me out. Not displaying an icon was my fault as this was meant with the image. It is done now and I hope it is right. I have created a text widget and keep it safe with your code that you sent. It is quite big, but maybe I like to use it at a later time. Thank you very much!

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