Perfect Cover Letter for 2009

13 Feb

Have you been caught up (or is that “caught with your pants down”?) by the current “economic stagnation” (i.e., the recession train speeding towards depression) and are you out looking (i.e., scrounging, begging, lying, or stealing) for a job?  Well, here’s the perfect cover letter for your newly updated, padded, gilded and minted resume.  I received it by e-mail last week, which makes me a Six-Legged Toad (but only if I actually had a job to hock (I wish!)).

Your Street Address
Your City, State and Zip
Month Day, Year




Name of Person
Name of Company
Their Street Address
Their City, State and Zip

Dear Human Resources Person (aka Six-legged Toad from Another Planet), Head Moron in Charge of Hiring and All Around Nasty Person Inundated with 100,000 Letters Just Like This One (Except On Nicer, Colored Paper),

Due to the economic turndown, which we’ve all been reading about in the paper (which I can’t afford anymore) and watching on the TV news (which costs electricity I can’t afford either), I recently lost my job and I’m blindly sending out 200 unsolicited e-mails and letters each and every day to fat toads just like you, who (just like you) could care less about my situation and will either blindly throw my resume into the trash without even looking at it or will hire an illegal Mexican who will work for yesterday’s leftover refried beans from the dumpster.

I’m an older, non-minority white male worker, skilled in many ways (one of which is not sending out resumes, so please excuse my attached resume not being in the correct Harvard School of Resume format). I know that’s a fuck-up on my part, but I don’t give a shit at this time since you won’t read it anyway. I’m a highly trained professional and have been using AutoCAD 2002 for the past 7 years.  I know it’s not the most current version of AutoCAD (I’ve never used the newest version; I also can’t do 3D, which seems to be the ‘in’ thing now, nor do I know anything about Revit, MS Word, Excel, GIS mapping, laser-guided missile systems or anything really, really mechanical or highly technical only a junior astronaut would know), but on the bright side, I can sit quietly in my assigned cubbie, not bother anyone, and still get my assigned projects finished.

I’m willing to relocate, but I don’t do snow infested states.  I’m old, and did I mention cranky?  Of course, relocating to your company location would cost me a lot of money, which (have I mentioned this before?) I don’t have, and I’m sure since you have 400 baskets full of resumes from people begging for a job (just the way I’m doing), you’re not willing to help with relocation expenses (which I must say is very kind of you).  I’d have to sell my house in a down market, thus losing more money, but hey, what’s money between friends, right?  I’ll just get a big fat mortgage and go into debt way over my head.

I am, of course, willing to work for minimum wage and will accept a job with no health-care benefits, no dental plan, and no 401(k) plan because, after all, I’m so desperate I’ll take any shithole job that’s offered in the next day or two, thus erasing everything I’ve achieved over the last twenty years.  Gee, I sure do hope we can be friends, let’s do lunch.

I look forward to hearing from you soon, but since I know you won’t even bother to take the time to blow me off, I’m already moving on to the next jerk-off company listed alphabetically on the Internet.  I hope you get downsized, too.

Ciao.





Your Name

Enclosure

National unemployment stands at 6.6% as of the end of 2008 according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, up from 4.6% the end of 2007.  The snarkiness and fun has only just begun.

2 Responses to “Perfect Cover Letter for 2009”

  1. gt281 February 13, 2009 at 1:52 PM #

    I like it,, it was well written as if by a master playwright,, it hits on all the important themes of our times and should be immortalized in granite or perhaps bronze,, and a copy of it should be sent to every congressman…The flip side to 6.6% un-employment is that 93.4% of people are working,, unfortunately they all work at Mc D’s as ringer-dingers…..

    • Faerie♥Kat February 13, 2009 at 4:45 PM #

      Hi GT!

      Since you like this so much, I’ll send you a nice aluminum frame so you can hang it on your wall.

      As a national average I guess it’s supposed to be horrifying, but with unemployment in the double digits in Michigan (10.6%) and Rhode Island (10%) as of the end of 2008, and with S. Carolina (9.5%), California (9.3%), Nevada (9.1%) and Oregon (9%) running close behind, 6.6% doesn’t sound all that bad to me. Florida was running 8.1% a month and half a go, and Wyoming was doing the best at 3.4%. Source: http://www.bls.gov/web/laumstrk.htm

      And just as you suspected, “Retail salespersons, cashiers, general office clerks, combined food preparation and serving workers, and registered nurses were among the occupations with the highest U.S. employment in 2007, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) of the U.S. Department of Labor.” Source: http://www.bls.gov/news.release/ocwage.htm No data for 2008 yet, but I’m betting it’s not much different.

      May the Ronald and his bright red nose rule over us all with great pride for a long, long time…gak!

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