Stock Market Terms for the 21st Century

12 Oct

CEO:  Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO:  Corporate Fraud Officer

BULL MARKET:  A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius

BEAR MARKET:  A six to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex

VALUE INVESTING:  The art of buying low and selling lower

P/E RATIO:  The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing

BROKER:  What my broker has made me

STANDARD & POOR:  Your life in a nutshell

STOCK ANALYST:  Idiot who just downgraded your stock

STOCK SPLIT:  When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves

FINANCIAL PLANNER:  A guy whose phone has been disconnected

MARKET CORRECTION:  The day after you buy stocks

CASH FLOW:  The movement your money makes as it disappears down the

YAHOO:  What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share

WINDOWS:  What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR:  Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse

PROFIT:  An archaic word no longer in use

Thanks, Gary!

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