Friends Don’t Let Friends Vote Republican!

10 Mar

To be a good Republican you need to believe:

  1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton. That is, unless you’re soliciting gay sex in the men’s room of public buildings.
  2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s Daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.
  3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Viet Nam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
  4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, but our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
  5. A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational drug corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
  6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.
  7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.
  8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
  9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
  10. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
  11. Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
  12. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which tens of thousands die is solid defense policy.
  13. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
  14. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host; then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
  15. In ‘Executive Privilege’ for every Republican ever born, who will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity).
  16. In the rights of hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for wearing orange vests similar to those worn by quail.

Thx Gary!


7 Responses to “Friends Don’t Let Friends Vote Republican!”

  1. Marvin the Martian March 10, 2008 at 9:23 PM #

    The term “Republican” used here bears little resemblance to “Republican” as in “The Republic of Mars.” There, an elected but semi-autonomous group of representatives make decisions on behalf of the citizenry, and occasionally thwart the will of the noisy rabble who seek to bleed the state for their own benefit. (The rabble are occasionally banished and/or exterminated, depending on the political mood at the time.)

    The Martian senators work together to ensure the security of the Republic, at the least expense to the citizens. Education, health care, housing and public works projects are purely local affairs; the only state-sponsored efforts are utility and transportation infrastructure, and military defense. Citizens work together for the common good of all, and do not expect the state to coddle them, as Earthlings seem to expect.

    To become a voting citizen of the Republic, one must own property. There are no such things as taxes. If an idea has merit, it will gain voluntary support from citizens who are willing to pay for it. Stupid ideas die a quick death from lack of funding.

    Today’s “Republicans” seem like the “Democrats” of 50 years ago, and seem to be decaying further. Today’s “Democrats” seem to be a peculiar brand of anarcho-socialism, one which was tried several centuries ago on Mars and which died a quick death (literally) when all of its adherents stopped working and expected the others to support them.

    I will be glad when this political season of idiocy in North America is over. Depending on how poorly the voting populace decides, I may recommend to my government that we implement “Plan 9” sooner, rather than later.

  2. Faerie♥Kat March 11, 2008 at 4:27 PM #

    I am beginning to wonder if I have some Martian blood mixed in with my Faerie blood and whether I am actually human at all, because this sounds completely rational to me. And I loved Plan 9 from Outerspace; I think it has a lot of merit in this situation!

  3. Marvin the Martian March 11, 2008 at 7:18 PM #

    I think you ARE part Martian! I think simple logic owes no allegiance to any political ideology – the facts are what they are, and the solution to a problem is often obvious. What most politicians and parties lack is the courage to do the right thing. That leaves entities like us out in the cold, unfortunately.

    You caught me out; I have never actually SEEN “Plan 9 from Outer Space.” I need to watch it. 😉 But I loooove “Forbidden Planet” and “War of the Worlds” and such.

  4. Sand March 11, 2008 at 9:35 PM #

    Well, There is no good solution here because I sure am not voting for either of the democratic candidates! I would think friends wouldn’t let friends vote democratic cause I don’t want a Muslim running our country and Hilary isn’t fit either. Not saying McCain is a fit candidate, there just isn’t a good choice as you said.

    Maybe I need to check out Plan 9 too cause we sure need to do something! Neither political party has showed much morality in my book in the past, but then again, then Abraham Lincoln was honest and assasinated. Kennedy was a good president and he was assasinated. The morals of this country in general have degenerated over the past several years.

    Unfortunately, money talks more than morals and values and heart.

  5. Faerie♥Kat March 11, 2008 at 9:49 PM #

    Hi Sweetie

    Gosh, haven’t heard from you in a long time.

    I thought this was funny because of the incongruities; I’m sure someone could put together a list just as good for the Democrats. Unfortunately, my brain is not working well enough for that someone to be me.

    I’ve read enough to convince myself that Obama ISN’T a Muslim, so let’s not keep perpetuating that myth. I’m not saying vote for him, I’m just saying drop the racial profiling. And Clinton, I don’t trust her either; she’s just too slippery, but then they all are; slippery eels and weasels.

    I’d vote for you, Sand; you’d make a great President (and you could control the FDA!).

    Hugz and faerie kizzes


  6. Catz March 11, 2008 at 11:52 PM #

    You know Kat I am beginning to like you better and better!

  7. Faerie♥Kat March 12, 2008 at 5:27 PM #

    Zee feelingz iz mootuool, Catz!

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