On Calling Faeries

8 Dec

This hilarious treatise is from the Lady of the Earth collection; enjoy!

Purpose: To call the good folk to your general vicinity for general mischief, fun and profit.

Intent: To have an addition to your home that will bring goodness and love and warm snuggly things.

Why the term good folk, when the main intent of the ritual is to call faeries?

“Call us what you will and we shall be as so.”

Meaning, call us faeries, we WILL be faeries. Call us good folk…well, you get the picture.

As for this working to be a love spell for alternative lifestylers, try it, it might work, but I mean faeries in another context.

Long ago and far away, travelers at night dreaded traveling alone when the moon was full. Beasties roamed the vast dingly forest, ranging from mad men who fancied themselves lycanthropes to the wraiths who mourned alone in the mist. Apparently, the most common of all the beasties that were part of the collective paradigm of the time were the faeries. Beneath a silvery moon they would dance about making merry without a care in the world, woe betide any traveler who came across such a gathering or passed a faerie mound rousing them from their sleep. For the faerie would entice the traveler to dance with them with their enchanted music and the traveler would dance himself until his heart exploded or he experienced cerebral hemorrhaging or something exquisitely nasty and internal, and be dead the next morning. That’s when faeries are being faeries, so lets try to avoid that for yourself.

MATERIALS

Penny you found on the street, the shinier the better
A 6 sided die
Flesh cutting instrument
Sugar water
Cookie
A small plant, preferably a mushroom, still alive and potted
Wine
Animal meat that you have prepared yourself to be tasty (note: make sure that the wine is the right wine for the meat)
A wild mouse
Three twigs wrapped in twine
A small blanket

PREPARATION

With this ritual, you must find a penny, the shinier the better. Don’t steal it or take it in change, but look for one on the ground, or in front of a cash register in the Snickers box, or anywhere. The simple fact being, it must be found, almost by chance (so if your car is relatively clean and you find a penny, that should work). The element of chance is important.

Take the penny and go to where you want the good folk’s presence. Your backyard, your worst enemy’s backyard, the supermarket, or the peep show down the street. Fling it unto the trees and shrubberies making it flieth high and fast like a striking player of rounders, and only into the trees and ye place of nature for that is where the good folk shall be wont to find it.

Withest thine greyest of grey matter thunk unto thineself and only be true to thineself and wish in your heart of hearts Tin Man that some poor merry maker doth find it and doth line it’s scurrilious pockets with the amalgom of copper and zinc.

Roll the die and that many nights later go out and leave sugar water in a small cup and a cookie besides where you think the penny landed saying “Took, took, took, (weird sucking sound), took, took, took,” then go back inside without peeking so the good folk can eat in peace. Make a note as to the 1/2 of the number you rolled. The 1/2 of the number you rolled is how many nights later you should begin the ritual now that you have the good folk’s attention.

Catch a wild mouse and keep it for a few days, tending to the li’l squeaker like you would tend a good friend.

Get three twigs from a birch tree, wrap them in new twine nine times concentrating upon homey scenes and crackling fireplaces. Find a small blanket, a towel will do nicely.

Purchase thineself without haggling a playnt thou deemst most appropriate for the li’l character you are calling unto yourself.

RITUAL

On the night of the ritual, plant the small plant in your garden, giving it the name you would give the good folk that you would have haunt your domicile. Fred is nice, so is Ashleigh, and so is Tina and so is Oberon and so is Liberace. “Water” it with wine and tend it as you would the other plants in your garden. If you live in the city, allow the plant to sit on your window sill and do your best to keep your window open so the good folk can come in easier than usual.

Again, over the plant, say “Took, took, took, (strange sucking sound), took, took, took, come to me, took, took, took.” Cut yourself and allow some blood to flow freely unto the chlorophyll messiah (or dweller of the realm of fungi, depending upon thy taste and choice) beneath you.

Make dinner in total silence, avoid meeting your own gaze in your reflection, for if you do you will see the good folk coming to the plant and whizzing upon it and that would turn everything all poopy. Once dinner is prepared, set up your place setting and a setting for the good folk. Use normal sized dinnerware or use giant sized dinnerware or use teensy weensy dinnerware, whichever you choose will be right for the good folk.

Eat in silence, making nothing but yummy sounds and belches to entertain your invisible guest. Don’t clean your place, the little folk may wish to have some of your scraps.

Repair to your room and fetch the mouse (wild of course, albino mice WILL NOT survive outdoors!) in it’s tiny cage, the small blanket and the three twigs wrapped in twine.Hopefully your “missing” guest will have partaken of the meal already in some way shape or form (make sure kitties aren’t around to help 🙂 ).

Open the door (or window) and step out to where the plant is. Place the small blanket beneath the plant, maybe wrapping it around the base a-la Linus and the tiny Christmas tree.

“With this may you keep warm.”

Place the twigs next to the blankie and the plant.

“With this may you build a home.”

Let the mouse free.

“Let him be your steed to take you hither and dither and always back home.”

“Welcome home.”

INDICATIONS

Sure, you just called a faerie, but never refer to him/her as such. Then him/her will act like a faerie and that would be bad unless you want the faerie to bother someone else. Good folk is the most common term I’ve come across, spirit would be second, but when they are spirits, they take on a nastier edge like an overprotective rottweiller with rabies.

Keep them happy or they’ll turn. When they are faeries, they will have this mindset: “Oh what a splendid piece of metal that smells all oily and of bang bang powder. Whoops, thunder. Oh, the big fleshy thing that called me is giving out free drinks of it’s blood. How thoughtful. Well, can’t tarry…”

Don’t banish! Unless you simply wanted to toy with it’s little soulless emotions and indian give a home and hearth.

Best if done under a full moon or gibbous moon.

Do not take internally, may cause slight rash on oily skin.From now on, talk to the little fellow/fellette(fellatio?) off and on so it won’t be bored or feel used.

Make sure the plant that is the “faerie” is tended well and thrives, for as long as the plant thrives so does the faerie’s health. Take note of the nice things that happen after the faerie takes up residence. Do you no longer get chain letters? Does the devil lose his flavor on the bedpost overnight? Is that pernicious shoe leather made into shoes the next morning? Does your hair stay untangled longer? Anything, and thank the li’l elf for the niceness it brought you.

Aaaaaaawwwww.

To curse someone with a faerie who’ll do wacky, amoral things to the aforementioned person, use a poisonous plant you picked (make sure it’ll die). Serve it dog plops and muddy water. Plant the plant in the nasty person’s backyard and tear like hell outta there. Wear a fake mustache so you confuse the faerie.

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